Therapy - My Way

I play Solitaire. Really it is called something else on the IPOD. But I play it. After the miscarriage, if I wasnt crying or sleeping, I was playing Solitaire. Or yelling. So here I am, at lunch, playing the game when I decide I will write a few lines. This is interrupting my grieving which should really be over by now. I cry at night like a crazy lady. But I know it is not me, it is the Hormones. The Hormones are not nice people, they like to play games with you and make you happy, sad, crazy, weird. Like a see-saw. Dont see many see-saws anymore... must be a liability. Break a tailbone, sue the manufacturer. At least my thoughts still splinter as usual.

But, getting to the point after rambling... I am a hero. Well for only 45 seconds was I a hero. It was raining this morning... Reagan and I were having our usual conversation on the way out the door (Me: (not a hero yet) REAGAN, I AM NOT ASKING YOU AGAIN TO GET DOWN HERE AND LETS GO. WHY ARE YOUR CLOTHES STILL SITTING ON THE COUCH? I TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO TO GET DRESSED. WHY WERE YOU UPSTAIRS PICKING OUT TOYS? DONT YOU KNOW I CANT BE LATE AGAIN OR I WONT HAVE A JOB. I AM LEAVING AND IF YOU ARE NOT DRESSED BY THE TIME I START THE CAR YOU WILL HAVE TO SIT HERE BY YOURSELF.(not a hero yet, just a mean mommy). YOU WILL HAVE TO WALK TO SCHOOL IN THE RAIN. DO YOU HEAR ME? I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.. YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE NAPS. WISH I COULD TAKE NAPS. YOU DONT KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE ABLE TO TAKE NAPS AND PLAY ALL DAY. ARE YOU COMING? I MEAN IT, I AM LEAVING RIGHT NOW. IF I DONT HAVE A JOB, WE WONT HAVE ANY MONEY AND THEN WHAT. WHY DO I STILL SEE YOUR CLOTHES ON THE COUCH?.....) (Reagan: but Mommy, I had to get these toys. They want to ride with me. I just had to get this bunny and these baby pictures. Look how cute I was in this picture....and you're just mean.) ME: GET YOUR CLOTHES ON NOW. LETS GO. Yes, that is a cute picture and give me the bunny, I will put it in the car. Hurry clothes on. Where is your toothbrush? Have you brushed your hair, there is food in it.. or is that a booger? Are you wiping boogers in your hair? Reagan: No, mommy, I dont know what that is. ......

So we finally get in the car. Get to school. I am still going to be late. It is raining. We both run with our umbrellas. We get to the room... Reagan looks at me and asks where the bunny is. Told her she had Clifford in her bag, did not need bunny. Lip trembles (hers, not mine), eyes tearing up (hers not mine, maybe mine too... never know with me).... FINE, hold on. I sprint down the stairs, jimmy the back door open so I can run back in, get the bunny from the car, run back in the door, up the stairs, drop off the bunny, spring back to the car and have FIVE minutes to get to work. Takes me 10. But I am still the hero.