Tonight I Want To Cry

Here is how I feel today: Thank you for lyrics from Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
(Chorus:)I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings showAnd I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyesTonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc3NhAGVENM

I am not you but.......

It has been quite a morning so far. Just when I think Reagan has nothing crazy to say.... her little mouth with the two dangling lose bottom teeth opens and out comes these words. I am afraid she has picked up my sense of humor.

Case in point #1: She has an overload of gas right now and is describing it's aroma as dead fish on a bun. Then she let some more go and said "Whooaaa MANNNN, did you smell that one?" (this case in point is in no way reflective of me... see husband on this one)

Case in point #2: Breakfast. The usual discussion. What do you want? I dont know. I say cereal. She comes back with "you always say CEREAL." This morning I replied "I love cereal." Her response: "I AM NOT YOU. I know we were connected by a cord but I am not you."

Ok. How did the umbilical cord come into a breakfast conversation?

Then she makes up these songs. Right now it is the sound of garbage disposal opera. The never-ending grating note.

I will post some pictures when I find the camera of my adventures while unemployed. Political BBQ, Scottish Festival. See ya!

Happy Birthday Aunt Janet!!!

Hip Hip Hurray! or Hurrah. Whatever. And shame on me, Happy Anniversary to my parents yesterday but I know I posted for you last year.

Now let me leave you with a picture that scares the crap out me.

May all your birthdays remind you of little girl tea parties that look like your husband as a child in drag.

So Here I Am

Yesterday, I was thinking "Oh I dont want to go to work tomorrow." Then I remembered, I dont. Funny how our brains condition themselves to our life patterns.

We took my mom out for her birthday. I was running late but so where they so my husband gets stressed. I hadnt finished my makeup and may have experiments a little much with the MAC blue eye shadow.. you know how scary you look when you dont blend in your makeup. Maybe I looked like a clown.. Dont tell anyone but my husband is afraid of clowns. He will deny it but I know it to be true. As I was getting in his car with all four working windows and mirrors, he said something like "Are you wearing your makeup like THAT?" He has never commented on my makeup. I snapped back "I am not finished yet." I need to blenddddddddd.

Reagan and my mom had fun chattering away. My husband and step-dad were having some conversation and I really dont know where I was. Off in la la land.

Sunday, Mr Mom cleaned while this mom sat there. I did run the vacuum once. No I did not do my part, so I think I will clean the bathrooms and the entryway today. Just need to turn on some music or else I will park it on the couch and read. I am very confused right now. I just need all the pieces to fall into place so that I dont have to wonder about the future. I do not have alot of control over the pieces.

When I walked Reagan in to school, I said "I love you baby." I then realized I called her baby. I asked her if it bothered her and she said no, she liked it when I called her my baby. She is the best thing I have ever done.... with help of course from her dad. She is amazing. And I wish I had more patience.

Happy Birthday Stacy. Hope you have a blast.

xoxo

No one likes a tirade

So dont read it. My car did not pass inspection so I am angry. You get different answers, interpretations of the NC regulations depending where you go. This is not the time for bullshit car problems. I need to focus on our daughter and her kindergarten experience. I need to be healthy.. I have been having stomach aches again like I did years ago when I was under alot of stress. I need to focus on having a job by October. But the employment industry is saturated with recruiting agencies. I have one person helping me. I do not want the bs of any other recruiters placing me somewhere I dont belong just so they make their quota for the month.

I am turning into a hermit. I dont want to leave the house in my crappy car. I cant find anything because everything is so disorganized. I never said I was organized. When I was overwhelmed from the messes I made in my youth, my mom was always there to pick up the pieces. My husband keeps certain parts of the house in order but my junk is everywhere as is Reagan's.

I will laugh again. Something made me laugh the other day but I dont remember what it was. I know I am down.... but I am still blessed. I get it. So if I am not on the phone keeping in touch, I dont want to sour you with the zombie that is me. If you need me, let me know and of course I will be here for you. That is a given. I just have to get my life under control. There are too many things that are just out of my control and it throws me off balance. I will wing it as best I can. We are all struggling. Dont get the idea that I am so self centered as to not understand that other people are dealing with obstacles. I know this. I just got to thinking how I havent blogged and where did I get lost? A little life change and I fall apart? Others that I know have it worse than I do. I guess I am angry for feeling sorry for myself because I am a Taurus and we are a proud breed. I sound like a dog.

I watched a disturbing movie today that bothered me. I should have turned it. That is what I get for straying from Disney channel.

Peace and love.. until later.

Happy Birthday Ame!!!

Hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Kindergarten....

Daddy took Reagan in for her first day of school. I am at my last few days at work until the next one comes along (gig not child). Here are some pictures from the first day.

Honk Honk!

I got little miss ready for daycare.... let her drink sprite for her sore throat and what does she do in return for me? Grabs both of my boobs in honk-honk fashion and announces to her class that Mommy has her fake boobies on today. Padded bra, that is... nothing fake. That girl...... she is one smart cookie but is going to drive me nuts.

wherehaveibeen? and other stuff

Reagansmom has been making friends and enemies. Unless you have an army behind you, DO NOT join forums. Do NOT. Never have I seen so much heated debate on any or all of the following:
childbirth
religion
breastfeeding vs formula
potty training
spanking
discipline
ANYTHING

Goodness people.. go get a job already. If you have time to write dissertations on any of the above, you have too much time on your hands.

Now, back to my life. Reagan has been scared to sleep in her room. I sympathize... I was that girl. And that little girl, sweet little me, burned that room down. So now I hide the matches, the scissors, the candles, the vitamins, the chairs to stand in to reach any of the before mentioned. I know the inside of her mind. But sometimes she surprises me. Case in point:

We decided pet fish in her room would help her sleep by herself. So we went to Walmart Saturday. On the way in, we drove past a very stiff and quite dead deer on the side of the road. So I say to Sean something like "Ok, divert her attention so she does not see the d-e-a-d d-e-e-r." He and I start talking for about 10 seconds and we hear from the back seat "Hey, what were those two legs doing sticking out on the side of the road. Wait, NO, what were those FOUR legs doing sticking out on the side of the road?" I looked over at Sean who was struggling not to laugh because we thought we were so smart. I very calmly said "That was a dead deer that was run over. Deer do not understand that cars can hurt them." She took it well.

I am Bloated and Other Interesting Things

It is not a pleasant feeling to be bloated. Not at all. And then if I recall everything I have eaten, I feel worse. So I say tomorrow is another day. There is no reason to eat all the time.... I need to keep gum with me at all times. What did the hypnosis lady tell me to say "I feel wonderful. I feel calm. I am in control." Ok well all I can bleat out is I FEEL EFFING BLOATED. My own fault.

Here comes the husband. He is stomping and has come home with the red wine and few words for me so I guess it was a long day. Or a bad day. Or maybe he thinks I look fat. Or maybe it is just me. Again, tomorrow is another day.

Well, let me roll on over to the couch. Reagan needs to get to bed early. She has dark circles under her eyes. Not really dark but enough that only a mother would notice because men think we make it up. G'night.